My psychologist asked me why it is that I am so determined to be completely incapable of emotional attachments.
I retorted with, "Why are you so determined to be a bitch?"
Probably not my wisest move; I did, after all, hire her to "help" me. Still, for me, it brings up a very interesting thought process.
What do we do when someone says something we don't like?
How do you respond to a situation you don't want to be in?
Well, the obvious answer would be change the situation, right?
It's not always that easy, especially if you're anything like me (and I honestly hope that no one is...) I freeze, like a deer in the headlights - I give the look and everything. It's bad. It's actually absolutely pathetic.
It's also programmed into me.
I guess when I thought that everything had been dealt with, I may have forgotten to notice the not-even-close-to-tiny detail that my behavior had suffered permanently.
It's like teaching a fearful dog how to be brave; you have to teach one step at a time, and there's always the chance for a falling-out. But I never took the time to learn; instead, I rehearsed the poor behavior.
In the dog world, I'd be classified as fearful/reactive, meaning that if you stepped into my personal space, I'll probably let you know that I'm uncomfortable. Okay, I lied; I won't. I've been "punished for growling" one too many times, so I used to resort to a nice punch in the face - usually aimed to break the nose - and then I made a break for it.
Or... Well, I used to think that was a grand old idea. I later learned, however, that thing that really separates the canis lupis from the canis domesticus - submit for your mother freaking life. Hence the - misguided - freezing. (Yes, I know. Freezing and submitting aren't the same thing; I do both. -____-;; Why? I'm stupid, that's why.)
I found it's much easier to escape if you put up with the punishment first and make a break for it later.
I'm maybe 115 lbs; I couldn't take anyone on, especially if they figured out what I was about to do with the whole nose-breaking thing. My reputation sometimes precedes me.
Damn.
Know what's annoying about all of this?
Every time I come close - with,you know, the confidence building thing - to being okay with being approached, with having someone in personal space, with being touched... Well, out comes Mr. Ruin-It-All...
Reminds me of someone trying to get a fearful dog to like them. They start out right: no eye contact, let the dog approach... Just as the dog learns that the person might not eat him, he approaches, and of course the human (idiot) reaches his hand out (idiot) and tries to pet the dog (triple idiot.)
What does the dog do?
Well, he jumps back, firm in his conclusion of: I knew there was something to be afraid of.
So. Psychologist.
Why am I so determined to stay away from anything resembling an emotional attachment?
Well, lucky for you; it's not actually because I think you're a bitch. (Though really, I do. Really.)
It has more to do with the fact that I've had my entire life to rehearse this fearful, distrusting behavior. One session of you telling me there's a problem with the way I view relationships (I realized; thank you) isn't going to leave me fixed.
Breathing exercises... are not going to solve the problem.
A behavior that has had ... god ... 22 years to instill itself - literally my WHOLE life - will not work itself out in a week. That's unrealistic. I'm just the dog trainer and I know that.
So, help me the fuck out, here. Seriously, lady. You have got to be joking me; your behavior modification plan is a joke. A joke. I wouldn't recommend this bullshit to a client I hated and wished would get hit by a bus.
Why am I going to therapy?
Well...besides the obvious I-have-people-and-personal-space-issues things.
I need to find a new psych.
Two down.
First one went because he told me I was an idiot for feeling more comfortable in a room full of dogs than a room full of people
...which led me to ask if he liked dogs.
He doesn't.
-Loki <3
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