A Step Ahead

I'm usually pretty decent at calling a line of bullshit. Not that you couldn't pull the wool over my eyes, so to speak - I can be a bit gullible at times. But when it comes to matters of the heart and mind, I'm usually decent at seeing right through someone.

This transparency, however, has never made the hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention. Well, not until now.

Even a serial killer can be sincere.

There's just something going on in this situation; it fizzles like background music and fades to nothing. I'm missing it, and I know it's a key component, something that will fit all of the puzzle pieces together and ...

I don't know. Really. My brain is stop-starting-stop-starting, and I should probably be doing that breathing thing that Jana told me about.

Okay, here's what I think is part of the problem. [I did my breathing. It helps jump start the brain.] I feel that this boy thinks he's way too smart or maybe just way too good. I say no way to a relationship, but he's still trying to weasel himself in. Not only that, but when he says the things he does in regards to how he's respecting whatever decisions I make, he's not. He's making fun of me - laughing - because he's convinced that this is some game that he's going to win.

My only qualm is that I don't know if "win" includes force, if he feels it necessary.

I could be reading this wrong, but red flags fly up everywhere when I deal with this guy. It's in the way he says things; it's in his mannerisms. It's in the way I can't read him like a book like I can every other guy. Don't get me wrong here, I can read him...it just doesn't add up.

I know he's spinning bullshit, but I don't just roll my eyes and get up and walk away.

I'm a little frozen, reminded that insulting certain people can lead to a lot of pain. It's like I've walked into a precarious situation...and I'm going to only be a step ahead of whatever he's doing, I better hope to hell it's the right step.

At least he's becoming slightly predictable - e-mails every morning around the same time. 6:13 yesterday, 6:44 today. He also called twice yesterday - first time around 11; second time was right after I e-mailed him... had to be five something. Or six.

I need to go to bed now. Night shift kicks my butt. Work to do today. Brain to stop fizzling after sleep. I hope. Ugh.