=/

I'm pretty sure I gained most of the weight I was supposed to back. I'd say blood tests, here I come! ... but I know I'll just spend the next week afraid to eat because I think I'm fat.

It's a-okay to have a bad day, I know...

But I would really just like to shut down and hole up in my room for a couple of hours and sleep it off.


How do you keep yourself motivated on a day like this?

Oh, it's stupid, really. It's serious freaking stupid. One tiny thing goes wrong... and that's no reason to whine for the next four hours like your whole life is being ....

Maybe because it's just one thing in a list of things (a list that's getting seriously long) that have gone wrong lately.
Don't get me wrong; I love working with other trainers.
Why?
I don't know everything, and I learn very quickly from observing and listening, that's why. I grow, learn, and other good things happen.
But sometimes, somedays...
I turn into a whiny little brat.

So someone was too wrapped up in having a conversation to bother turning on the camera to get some crazy good footage of Kittie showing us how agility should be done. It happens. Our demo is due tomorrow, yes, but it's not the end of the world that I won't be included in any of it. It doesn't matter that I put just as much work into it as everyone else; what matters is that it gets done and looks fun.

But it still really bothers me. =/

Partly because Kittie was doing great, and I amped us both up (we both have an anxiety disorder - it's a disaster) and tried super hard to make it really fun. I totally succeeded. =] And I was very, very proud.... in a way that I wanted to say, "LOOK! See? Even a dog who spent half her life shut down in social situations is capable of gaining confidence, capable of having fun!"

The higher you aim, the bigger the disappointment.

And I know, logically, that's it's really dumb to get upset over something that doesn't really matter.

And I know it's illogical, and I know that if I wasn't so tired, if I could possibly budget more sleep, I wouldn't have minded at all. I would have laughed and said, "Go figure!" instead of being so down and out about it.

It's hard to get out of bed.

No, I'm not depressed; I just really love my sleep! And when I wake up and have to fight to stay awake, to sit up, and not pass back out, it doesn't make the day any easier.
.....and the thought of having to stay awake until almost midnight on Friday is a little overwhelming. That's uh... 33 hours...with way less than 8 hours of sleep to start with. And less than 8 hours the day before that, and the day before that, and so on and on and on ....

...Which makes it easier to become frustrated.

Something's gotta give.

Dog training won't support us; it won't even pay rent. It's just life when you contract out, because you only get a certain percentage of what is made.
.........And I don't want that to matter.
I don't want the thought of giving it up to even enter my head. Not over something silly like getting more sleep.
If I gave that up, I wouldn't have anything in my life worth doing. There's no magical career to fall back on, or some amazing something that's going to pop up and make it all better.
And... there's no end to the more-than-one-job fiasco that I'm pulling now.

I wish I believed in God; I'd delude myself into thinking everything happens for a reason.

First, I work my butt off to get into college to do what I thought would be my dream career (uh... yeah, I'd probably hate it, but I'd still refuse to give up on it) and I can't go. Yay for having older siblings who waste two years of their lives at a business school, don't even use their degrees, and work the same jobs that I do.
I must have been deluded to think that I had a chance of being allowed to go to college.
So much for an invitation to Oxford.

In the end, I get drug along to get a dog-training certification while being told all along the way that I can't do it because I'm a pretty girl and no one will ever take me seriously. Don't get me wrong - I liked to help out with the dogs and their training, especially since we were working at rescues and finding the dogs forever homes. It just never mattered to me if it became a profession as opposed to a hobby. Wasn't in it for the money.
I try too hard to help the clients. So what?
I try to set them up so that we're doing what's best for them individually rather than what's best for the class as a whole. Maybe they're not ready to have cute little squirrel tails dragged in front of them while their owner calls for their attention.
But of course, if I say this, I get basically yelled at and told to do it anyway.


Yeah, I get it; you're cranky, too.
But I don't take it out on you.


I want to find some motivation. I hope I do soon.
Because right now, I'm just running on empty. This isn't fun anymore.
And when did we start being more about the money and less about the dog?
I know nobody wants to work 89078937 jobs forever, but the point of the career is that we did it to help the dogs, right?


I don't know.
I really just don't know right now.


And I know tomorrow won't be fun; I'll be tired and annoyed no matter what I do. I'll just put on a smile and make it look like I'm having fun. That's okay, I guess.
I'll get through it.
Who knows... maybe something good will come...