The Truth About the Escapade

Ahh. And no one can read this, so I don't feel so bad about saying... It was all planned.
Enter me at 22, a girl who hates physical contact, and won't keep a man around for the simple knowledge that eventually, it HAS to lead to sex. So, enough dating to seem normal, and a firm kick out the door when boyo thinks things should get a little hot and heavy.

It's just...not my thing.

But, it is kind of funky to be a 22 year old virgin. So, enter my plan: Have sex. Gives me a sinking, suspicious feeling, and suddenly my stomach feels like it's trying to hide in my toes. With a word.

Lame.

Why the plan? Well, because it seems pretty fragging stupid, of all things, to be afraid of sex. It's sex.

But, I don't really want to do it - I just want to pretend that I am, in fact, human. Sort of. Or...rather, I'm decent at pretending to be.

So, the plan was to pick someone....expendable. Someone I liked enough to spend time with but not someone I liked enough to care about losing. If it all went to hell in a handcart in a hurry, walking away wouldn't be a problem.

And I explained my mastermind plan to him, but I'm pretty sure all he heard was this word: SEX.
Oh, boyos.....

Mastermind plan: Lose virginity to someone almost as screwed up as myself, and without having to worry about silly emotional attachments or drama - just do it, be done, and move on. That's all.

Except............. He got attached?

Who would have guessed..... But he "got me back" by sleeping with another girl.
I'm still confused as to how that was supposed to make me feel bad. Whatevs.

rationale

oh. what the hell?

i really don't want to do this anymore.

i get so tired of rationalizing everything, of analyzing and deciding that it would be best, in the future, if i decide not to say something rude now. would be best to smile, fake sincerity, and move on. would be easier for this, or this, or that...
...but whatever you do, suppress your current feelings of anger, sadness, distaste, or whatever, and move on.

not so bad when we're talking professional life. there's absolutely no reason to get mad at a client, especially when they are the ones who come to you seeking help. of course whatever they feel strongly about can manifest as anger, and they can be general pains in the ass.
they're clients. get over it.
you take it personally; you're an idiot. don't do it.
they're having a harder time than you are, and they aren't professionals in this situation, which means...they are allowed to be buttheads. o_-;;
in short.

my professional life has translated everywhere. there's never a time when i don't have this stupid face on, when i'm not being appeasing and working with people, and trying not to step on toes because i know something aversive will happen if i do. i hate aversive things.

not only that, but my best friend is leaving.
i mean, really....

this really sucks.

of course - and here i go, rationalizing........ - i'm not the one experiencing the worst of it. i haven't lost what she's lost or had to go through what she's gone through. it's really unfair for me to feel so... abandoned. she's living her life, moving on, and i hope to god she'll be happy.
but i am possessive of what is mine, and i don't want her to go.
i want her to go with her man, get married, be happy, and travel with him. i just...wish it wasn't away from me is all.

sucks that the realtor screwed up and didn't show up. getting a house loan will suck a little more - if we manage it. construction is almost done and it's barely been started, and we should have been moved into whatever new house we'll be going to long ago. a month ago. two. five. whatever. it should have been done.
it's not.
obviously.

the car.
damn car.
i miss that car.
i asked my friend to look at it - and tell me what was wrong so i could fix it.
know what he did? (and bless his heart. and damn him. at the same time.)
he started to fix it.
so, he's had it for a couple of weeks (lol) now, because he's slow at fixing it because there is so much else going on in his life. but... it was nice of him.
and i have no idea how to pay him back. i know i owe him a lot of money just for parts. and labor. shit.
i'm already broke.
damn.
well, i'll figure it out. i'm not actually worried about eating. i need to go on a diet anyway, and i don't eat when i'm depressed, so i expect i'll be at 100lbs even by the end of this week. yay.
whatever. i'm kinda getting fat.

i can't even say "throw me a bone, here"
i have someone who has been fixing my car - for free for now. i will pay him back, but that's because i hate owing people, and i know it wasn't cheap. i'll use him for help, but i will pay him back...and then some. lotsa money. maybe dinner. cookies. something extra and nice to say THANK YOU!
everything...in my life ... even though i never got to do what i really, really wanted to do... has been basically handed over lately.
i somehow ended up working with and for a few of the most amazing, sweet people i have ever met. ever.
they're generous, nice, and full of meaning. dear. god. everything he says... well, let's fix that. he says nothing lightly, no matter how much in passing it seems. everything is packed full of meaning. dang it. lol.

and i complain.
that things aren't going right.
what the hell is wrong with me? -____-;;

ahhh. garbage. and damn it.

i know better than this.

what am i? some kind of monster, perhaps? because i can't get close to people the way lovers can get close to each other.

ew.

and i mean that in the most insulting way possible, because it fills my stomach with butterflies and makes me want to punch someone in the nose and run for the fucking hills.

also.

why do people ask to know about me? or ask questions in an attempt to get to know me?

hi.

uh.

i like my walls four foot thick and keeping you out, if you please. i don't like getting close to people. i don't really trust people.

yes, there is something wrong with em.

no, i don't feel the need to change it.

=/

I'm pretty sure I gained most of the weight I was supposed to back. I'd say blood tests, here I come! ... but I know I'll just spend the next week afraid to eat because I think I'm fat.

It's a-okay to have a bad day, I know...

But I would really just like to shut down and hole up in my room for a couple of hours and sleep it off.


How do you keep yourself motivated on a day like this?

Oh, it's stupid, really. It's serious freaking stupid. One tiny thing goes wrong... and that's no reason to whine for the next four hours like your whole life is being ....

Maybe because it's just one thing in a list of things (a list that's getting seriously long) that have gone wrong lately.
Don't get me wrong; I love working with other trainers.
Why?
I don't know everything, and I learn very quickly from observing and listening, that's why. I grow, learn, and other good things happen.
But sometimes, somedays...
I turn into a whiny little brat.

So someone was too wrapped up in having a conversation to bother turning on the camera to get some crazy good footage of Kittie showing us how agility should be done. It happens. Our demo is due tomorrow, yes, but it's not the end of the world that I won't be included in any of it. It doesn't matter that I put just as much work into it as everyone else; what matters is that it gets done and looks fun.

But it still really bothers me. =/

Partly because Kittie was doing great, and I amped us both up (we both have an anxiety disorder - it's a disaster) and tried super hard to make it really fun. I totally succeeded. =] And I was very, very proud.... in a way that I wanted to say, "LOOK! See? Even a dog who spent half her life shut down in social situations is capable of gaining confidence, capable of having fun!"

The higher you aim, the bigger the disappointment.

And I know, logically, that's it's really dumb to get upset over something that doesn't really matter.

And I know it's illogical, and I know that if I wasn't so tired, if I could possibly budget more sleep, I wouldn't have minded at all. I would have laughed and said, "Go figure!" instead of being so down and out about it.

It's hard to get out of bed.

No, I'm not depressed; I just really love my sleep! And when I wake up and have to fight to stay awake, to sit up, and not pass back out, it doesn't make the day any easier.
.....and the thought of having to stay awake until almost midnight on Friday is a little overwhelming. That's uh... 33 hours...with way less than 8 hours of sleep to start with. And less than 8 hours the day before that, and the day before that, and so on and on and on ....

...Which makes it easier to become frustrated.

Something's gotta give.

Dog training won't support us; it won't even pay rent. It's just life when you contract out, because you only get a certain percentage of what is made.
.........And I don't want that to matter.
I don't want the thought of giving it up to even enter my head. Not over something silly like getting more sleep.
If I gave that up, I wouldn't have anything in my life worth doing. There's no magical career to fall back on, or some amazing something that's going to pop up and make it all better.
And... there's no end to the more-than-one-job fiasco that I'm pulling now.

I wish I believed in God; I'd delude myself into thinking everything happens for a reason.

First, I work my butt off to get into college to do what I thought would be my dream career (uh... yeah, I'd probably hate it, but I'd still refuse to give up on it) and I can't go. Yay for having older siblings who waste two years of their lives at a business school, don't even use their degrees, and work the same jobs that I do.
I must have been deluded to think that I had a chance of being allowed to go to college.
So much for an invitation to Oxford.

In the end, I get drug along to get a dog-training certification while being told all along the way that I can't do it because I'm a pretty girl and no one will ever take me seriously. Don't get me wrong - I liked to help out with the dogs and their training, especially since we were working at rescues and finding the dogs forever homes. It just never mattered to me if it became a profession as opposed to a hobby. Wasn't in it for the money.
I try too hard to help the clients. So what?
I try to set them up so that we're doing what's best for them individually rather than what's best for the class as a whole. Maybe they're not ready to have cute little squirrel tails dragged in front of them while their owner calls for their attention.
But of course, if I say this, I get basically yelled at and told to do it anyway.


Yeah, I get it; you're cranky, too.
But I don't take it out on you.


I want to find some motivation. I hope I do soon.
Because right now, I'm just running on empty. This isn't fun anymore.
And when did we start being more about the money and less about the dog?
I know nobody wants to work 89078937 jobs forever, but the point of the career is that we did it to help the dogs, right?


I don't know.
I really just don't know right now.


And I know tomorrow won't be fun; I'll be tired and annoyed no matter what I do. I'll just put on a smile and make it look like I'm having fun. That's okay, I guess.
I'll get through it.
Who knows... maybe something good will come...

No TV For Me, Plz.

So, there's a producer in my classroom - he's working with a dog trainer out of Akron to make a TV show that is basically Lassie the Reality Show (<---not the title.)

The producer is eccentric to say the least, and did I mention he's the fucking weirdo that practically stalked me for a week, before deciding that - gee, I don't know - maybe two professionals who are working together professionally should act... professional?? IE: The idiot producer should probably stop trying to get with the dog trainer before she breaks his freaking neck.

You know, that sort of thing.

Anyway, I was never worried about him in the beginning because ... well... to make an ass out of myself ... I assumed he was ......................gay.

He's not.

Damn it.

In any case, we knew he was the producer to this TV show before he ever stepped foot in our classroom, but we pretended that he was just another student. (Ass kissing? What's that?) We also have a municipal judge in our puppy class, but we don't fawn over him, either.
Wanna know why?

He's a person. You know, real live human being who has to breathe air in and out to survive? Yeah, that kind.

Besides, no one likes an ass kisser, and we ... quite frankly ... suck at kissing ass. Which is why we just don't do it.

I had a business meeting with said "professional" producer - all about the TV show and how we could maybe help out in the background (name in credits woohooo!) or whatnot.
It turned into a freak show.
I mean.
Here we are talking about those sickeningly sweet stories of dogs and their humans and how amazing and misunderstood that bond between them is, and ...
I don't know how this happened, but he told me that I could call him in six months when I was in love with him because we're compatible.

Did NOT know what to say to that.
Deer in the headlights, anyone?

Yeah. That was different.
See. The worst part of it all is that I know better.
I don't do private consultations by myself because
I know better.
Or, at least, I should.

By now.

Really.

So, not being able to do that talking thing for sheer shock, I ended up e-mailing him a WTF? (but worded nicely) e-mail when I got home. Like. Seriously. Not cool. Not professional. Not going to happen.
And... whatever.
I mean. I thought it worked, but it took about a week to get into his head. Yeep.
..............

Yeah, so anyway; I want nothing to do with said TV Show. Why would I? I don't want to work with someone that... well ... excuse me, but this is my blog, so I'm just going to come right out and say it.


I don't want to work with someone who is that seriously fucked in the head.

Are you kidding me?

Grrrr.

He says he wants us (brother and I) to be ON the show, you know... doing something or other.
Sounds like a great opportunity, not gonna lie.
So, suck it up and see where it can take us? I don't know.

Guess we shall see.

Other boss said that we should really do it. Like REALLY. Of course, we just told him that he's weird because I don't want the I-told-you-so lecture that will come with that whole situation.

Yes, I get it now.
Some boys will try to jump on any girl who so much as looks in their direction. Or pays any sort of attention to them.
-____________________________________-;;

When In Doubt, Blog About It.

I don't know what the heck is happening to me.
I can't even say for sure who I am right now.

I like to be alone.
No, totally craving human contact right now.
Want coffee, conversations, smiles...
....and here's the kicker........................emotion.
Mhmm. Want to actually feel stuff in the same way that I feel the sun on my face. Something that equates to the feeling that I get when Kittie and I are adventuring - some odd happy, enthusiastic, and just plain old mischievous feeling that tells me that the world couldn't take us on.
Like magic.
If I had to pick a word to describe it... I want to feel magic.

o_o;;

This is not me. Understand.
This.
Not.
Me.

I don't feel these kinds of emotions or get wrapped up in this kind of head-brain-emotion trauma.
I wander, but I don't wonder.
I keep to myself, do my job, and go home at the end of the day.

I don't get it.
I picked the person I'd want....
....he'd dead.
He died a long time ago.
And no one can replace him and I don't want anyone in his spot - beside me.

Damn it.

Damn.

*sigh*

I don't get this.
I don't want it.
I would prefer to put my head back on my shoulders and get back to my life. Work, eat, sleep; rinse, repeat. That schedule. Remember it?
What am I doing?

Typing as I'm thinking...that's what. I'll read over this and be ....
I don't know.

How many times can you use the word "don't" in a blog?
I think I have about 800.

...................Wtf, brain?



God.
Freaking.
Damn it.

just.
eff.

I work fairly well with my brother - who is the head of our company, and a decent (but not perfect) leader. He's a great self-starter, and it annoys me. 

No, really.

It does...

It shouldn't... but it does.

My brother isn't the type to pull punches or to even attempt that horrendous thing we call "people pleasing." In fact, he doesn't even try his hand at manipulation. Or sugar coating. Or even being nice.

I'd say I don't have a problem with it, but it makes me want to punch him in the face.

We both have the same issue with being ordered around and told what to do. So, throwing us together and telling us to make plans doesn't always go over so well.

Sometimes, it goes great.

Other times....not so much.


A few weeks ago, for example, he was told (not by me) that he needed to get his butt into gear with the whole marketing thing. And by that, I mean he was told go out and slay to Social Media dragon.

I kind of beat him to it - and a while ago at that. I had already made, but done nothing further with, a company FaceBook page. I also have a blog (not this one....) and a twitter (personal but personally being used for business purposes!)

Ahem.

Now, I think it's great that he wants to get it into gear with all of the SM stuff. Wonderful, in fact.
Not so great when he demands the passwords to my accounts with the intent of using them for whatever he so chooses. 

Go make your own.

Please.

I'm not the sharing type, and .... and....

I don't want to share.

Go find your own sandbox.