rationale

oh. what the hell?

i really don't want to do this anymore.

i get so tired of rationalizing everything, of analyzing and deciding that it would be best, in the future, if i decide not to say something rude now. would be best to smile, fake sincerity, and move on. would be easier for this, or this, or that...
...but whatever you do, suppress your current feelings of anger, sadness, distaste, or whatever, and move on.

not so bad when we're talking professional life. there's absolutely no reason to get mad at a client, especially when they are the ones who come to you seeking help. of course whatever they feel strongly about can manifest as anger, and they can be general pains in the ass.
they're clients. get over it.
you take it personally; you're an idiot. don't do it.
they're having a harder time than you are, and they aren't professionals in this situation, which means...they are allowed to be buttheads. o_-;;
in short.

my professional life has translated everywhere. there's never a time when i don't have this stupid face on, when i'm not being appeasing and working with people, and trying not to step on toes because i know something aversive will happen if i do. i hate aversive things.

not only that, but my best friend is leaving.
i mean, really....

this really sucks.

of course - and here i go, rationalizing........ - i'm not the one experiencing the worst of it. i haven't lost what she's lost or had to go through what she's gone through. it's really unfair for me to feel so... abandoned. she's living her life, moving on, and i hope to god she'll be happy.
but i am possessive of what is mine, and i don't want her to go.
i want her to go with her man, get married, be happy, and travel with him. i just...wish it wasn't away from me is all.

sucks that the realtor screwed up and didn't show up. getting a house loan will suck a little more - if we manage it. construction is almost done and it's barely been started, and we should have been moved into whatever new house we'll be going to long ago. a month ago. two. five. whatever. it should have been done.
it's not.
obviously.

the car.
damn car.
i miss that car.
i asked my friend to look at it - and tell me what was wrong so i could fix it.
know what he did? (and bless his heart. and damn him. at the same time.)
he started to fix it.
so, he's had it for a couple of weeks (lol) now, because he's slow at fixing it because there is so much else going on in his life. but... it was nice of him.
and i have no idea how to pay him back. i know i owe him a lot of money just for parts. and labor. shit.
i'm already broke.
damn.
well, i'll figure it out. i'm not actually worried about eating. i need to go on a diet anyway, and i don't eat when i'm depressed, so i expect i'll be at 100lbs even by the end of this week. yay.
whatever. i'm kinda getting fat.

i can't even say "throw me a bone, here"
i have someone who has been fixing my car - for free for now. i will pay him back, but that's because i hate owing people, and i know it wasn't cheap. i'll use him for help, but i will pay him back...and then some. lotsa money. maybe dinner. cookies. something extra and nice to say THANK YOU!
everything...in my life ... even though i never got to do what i really, really wanted to do... has been basically handed over lately.
i somehow ended up working with and for a few of the most amazing, sweet people i have ever met. ever.
they're generous, nice, and full of meaning. dear. god. everything he says... well, let's fix that. he says nothing lightly, no matter how much in passing it seems. everything is packed full of meaning. dang it. lol.

and i complain.
that things aren't going right.
what the hell is wrong with me? -____-;;